My jaw dropped. It was a scene straight out of Lord of the Flies, only it wasn’t a pig they were chasing; it was our chicken.
The orange bird darted wildly under the slide, through the tomato patch and into the corn, all the while flapping and dodging swatting clubs. Hot on her heels was a mob of 4-7 year-olds, laughing with evil delight and swinging thick branches.
When the chicken reached the farthest privacy fence, she flapped her clipped wings with all her might, but couldn’t quite clear it and instead slammed into the middle. Squawking hysterically she faced the young savages. There was no way out; she had to make a run for it right up the middle.
So she did, and raced for cover in my corn patch. On her way, a few hits connected, and she released blood-curdling squawks as her feathers exploded. But the kids did not stop. Actually, they cheered louder.
The 4×12 ft corn patch was quickly surrounded, and the wild children swung the clubs violently, breaking nearly every stalk of corn just weeks from harvest.
The entire scene unfolded in seconds. And it took me a good few seconds more to completely understand the severity of the situation.
With all the corn flat on the ground, the chicken was forced to make another break for it, but I don’t think she would have stood a chance if, at that very moment, I hadn’t swung the back door open.
My oldest daughter Audrey, most likely the ringleader, heard the screeching slide of the screen door before the others. Her eyes widened as she went from hunter to hunted. Gulping, she dropped her stick and tried to avoid eye contact, but it was no use. I was fixed on her and moving swiftly.
She didn’t dare run, best to surrender or even play dead than to make her angry father chase her down.
By this point the yard was silent, with Audrey’s playmates dissipating back into the shadows of the farthest fence. Audrey opened her mouth to explain, but a flash of my eyes ended it.
“So you like to hurt little animals, do you?” I snarled.
Audrey burst into tears; she knew what was coming. I gave her a spanking that she will never forget. Then my anger subsided, I hugged her, forgave her, and sent her on her way. She hasn’t hurt a chicken, much less any other living creature, since. My “angry parenting,” (as someone once called it) worked.
This isn’t the way that I planned to parent. Like all parents, I too wanted to practice “positive parenting.” The idea that I could bring up a respectful child with rainbows and buttercups, giggles and pep talks, sounded wonderful and too good to be true. And yes, that is exactly what it was – too good to be true.
I got to witness “positive parenting” in action at a restaurant years ago. A little boy threw noodles at his mommy. In the softest, sweetest, positive-parenting tone, she pleaded with her little joy to stop. He didn’t.
Instead, he laughed mischievously and threw more noodles. She continued to remain calm and explained that he was hurting his mommy’s feelings. He giggled and pushed the entire bowl into her lap. She was lucky enough to catch it, but then stupid enough to give it back.
“Please, don’t do that.” she pleaded, gently holding his arms.
He screamed and squirmed to get his arms free. The mother quietly negotiated that she would release his arms if he promised to stop throwing food. He made no such promise, but for the sake of the restaurant she let go if only to stop the screaming. The moment she released his arms, he hit her.
“Ouch. You hurt your mommy. We don’t hit because that hurts others.”
He smacked her again, and she went on again about how hitting wasn’t nice. As she lectured, she leaned in closer. When her face was in range, the boy smacked it, and laughed. At this point the mommy stood up and walked away, and the boy started screaming again.
That is what some people call “positive parenting,” but I call it “raising-a-spoiled-brat parenting.” And the whole time this was playing out, I was thinking, “Lady, I could end this in 30 seconds, and while it might hurt the kid for a moment, he’d avoid a lifetime of being a miserable hellion.”
Until just this century, parents had done a pretty good job parenting. They used common sense and their hearts, and that determined whether it was a spanking coming, or a hug. It wasn’t perfect or foolproof, but it worked.
Yet the behavioral therapists couldn’t charge you for their therapy and psychotropic drugs, or sell you their “total transformations” when it was that simple. So, they gave poor advice that led to more problems and a greater need for their services.
In fact, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the “spanking is never the answer” rhetoric was funded by the therapists and drugs companies to grow their clientele.
Of course, I still believe in positive parenting, but I also believe in angry parenting (or if you prefer – tough-love parenting). The two are meant to work in harmony.
When kids do something terrible, like torture a tiny animal or bully a sibling, they need to see you angry. It shows them that you care and are emotionally involved in their upbringing, that you’re passionate about right and wrong, and that you aren’t going to tolerate evil.
Actually, I think parenting is far more dimensional than positive parenting or tough-love parenting. Parenting isn’t an exact science; it is an art. It takes wisdom and practice. Proper correction will always depend on the child, the situation and the infraction.
At the same time, you don’t need to read an expert’s manual. God gave you love, His Word, and grace, and that makes you totally equipped to parent!
Everybody should read this. EVERYBODY! Wisest words I’ve ever read – and I’m a grandma with high school teaching experience, so I’ve been around awhile. Thank you for rescuing the chicken and giving your daughter a lesson in compassion that has made her a better person. You’re a good man.
Joyce recently posted…Grandma Camping 2015 – Part 1 – Pitched!
Thank you Joyce.
Great article… I’m a momma of 4, 2 adults and 2 almost adults. It worked for me! Not because I say so but because even their employers say they are well mannered and hard working.
I really appreciate this article! As my husband and I were fine tweaking our parenting style, spankings were apart of our practice. We found what worked best for both of our kids by trying out how to touch their nerves to correct as parents should. Since then, a firm look and a solid tone of voice works for both of our children, boy and girl. It’s our job to help them understand the proper way to act as productive citizens of society. Without that authority, and love, we fail them. We explain our actions when it is appropriate and allow them to ask questions. But in the moment of wrong doing there has to be action. And to the mom calming negotiation with a toddler…get a grip! “Man up” and take action or you will be trampled on your whole life.
Oh. My. Goodness. Yes, 1,000 times!! Thank you for writing this! I have long struggled with the positive parenting vs. “tough love” parenting only to find myself dazed and confused. All around us today you hear the positive parenting rhetoric, and if that doesn’t work for you, well then I guess you’re just a miserable failure as a parent or you need to try harder! Bottom line, kids need LOVE, sometimes love is positive, sometimes love is angry. I think too many confuse love with having to always be pleasant. I’m guessing Jesus wasn’t very pleasant when he was throwing tables over in the temple. Love is sacrificial, even if it means sacrificing being in your child’s good graces so you can properly discipline them. I’ve not heard of one case yet, where a child got disciplined, and was mad at their parents for the rest of their lives. So, thanks, again. Blessings.
This is an under simplification of gentle parenting verses angry parenting. You were angry ina righteous way. Often parenting done in anger is more about the parent sinful reaction to childish behavior.
Just like people opposed to all spanking under-simplify the issue to make it seem awful to ever use any form of physical punishment. You have done the same here. These types of articles do nothing to actually bring about talk about how to discipline your children Biblical. They just get both sides more grounded in there side.
Perhaps that was the purpose.
I don’t really see the point of just singing to the choir.
A noodle in the restaurant doesn’t compare to a group of children trying to beat an anuimal to death.
Heidi, I think that is exactly what I said at the end, “parenting is far more dimensional than positive parenting or tough-love parenting.”
“When kids do something terrible, like torture a tiny animal or bully a sibling, they need to see you angry. It shows them that you care and are emotionally involved in their upbringing, that you’re passionate about right and wrong, and that you aren’t going to tolerate evil.” — absolutely love this!
Yes, I try not to use spanking. But there are moments, like this one, where I want them to learn the first time around that what they are doing is not okay. A simple spanking works.
Yes. Unfortunately our angels aren’t always angels. They chase chickens and they misbehave at restaurants. And so many other creative methods of misbehavior! While I think many times kindly asking our children to reconsider their behavior can be our first attempt at correcting their behavior (occasionally my kids shock me and it actually works) Our kids need to see the flash of anger in our eyes and hear our stern words. And yes, sometimes they need the sting of a spanking sometimes to bring them back to good behavior. Not only is this tough love very effective but I think it also demonstrates to them how parents should handle anger! I applaud you for this post