The other day I witnessed a mother lie 4 times in a row and then discipline her child when he didn’t believe her the fifth time. The conversation went something like this:
Lie 1: Mom: “Johnny, you are not getting any more candy!” This was a lie. Johnny ignored his mother and blatantly stuff several more pieces of candy into his mouth. His mother did nothing to stop him.
Lie 2: Mom: “Johnny, sit still or I will take the rest of your candy!” This was also a lie. Johnny did not sit still and he never lost his candy…
Lie 3: Mom: “That’s it Johnny. If you don’t stop fussing I will put you in timeout.” Lies, Lies, and more Lies. Johnny continued to fuss and his Mother did nothing.
Lie 4: Mom: “Johnny you are not going to leave the table until you finish your food.” You guessed it – another lie. Johnny spit the food that was in his mouth back on the plate and ran off to play.
Truth 1: Mom: “Johnny, that is it! If you hit your sister again I’m putting you in timeout!” Finally, Mom told the truth. Johnny hit his sister one more time, just to test the waters. Mom snapped – grabbed poor Johnny and threw him into timeout.
Johnny looked shocked and hurt. I couldn’t help feeling slightly sorry for the little guy. His Mom had lied every other time. How was he supposed to know she was finally telling the truth?
Versions of this conversation are all too familiar. I often find myself falling into this trap. Yet, I know that a consistent follow through is the key to establishing discipline in the home. If we want our children to take us seriously when we are disciplining them, we must not be like the “Mom Who Cried Wolf!” If we say we mean business, we had better mean business. If we say, “No more warnings,” we had better not give another warning. And if we say a discipline is coming, it had better come!
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Such an important message. Thanks for getting it out there!
Consistency is one of the hardest things about parenting. As one parenting expert puts it, “if you’re consistent 50% of the time, you’re doing great!”
Found you through WFMW!
I agree! I wrote this in part to encourage myself 🙂 Thanks for visiting!
You are right on the mark! I love the way your first sentence makes it so clear. Yet in the moment, I often do not realize what I’m doing, especially if I’m very distracted or not feeling well. I’ve totally done this. Sigh!
I don’t know how much it applies to other families, but it seems that things work better for us if I do NOT warn my son (now 7 years old) of consequences but simply impose those consequences the FIRST time he misbehaves. It’s hard! Often the consequences disrupt some activity I really want us to be able to do. Often he will object, “You didn’t tell me that would happen! No fair!” But it really is more fair, more educational, more effective if the consequence ALWAYS follows the action with no free pass for the first offense. Also, I find that giving a warning makes me very tense (now I have to follow through; it’s like I’m waiting for him to do it again) and makes me get angrier when he does it again. So it usually works better for us to impose a consequence but maybe give him a second chance later.
I totally agree. We only give warnings when we are teaching our little ones a new concept or rule. After they understand what is expected, I rarely give warnings. Thanks so much for commenting.
I completely agree! This happens soooo often! I can’t say I’ve never done it, but it’s one of the things I really make a conscious effort not to do. I do give warnings, but I follow through with the consequence, even if it makes me so sad to do so.
I am the same way. I have to remind myself that it is better for them if I stick to my guns, but it makes me sad too!
This is such an easy thing to do! I find I fall into this trap less if I count to three in my head before responding to inappropriate behavior – so I have time to come up with something to say that I know I can follow up on!
That’s a good strategy. If I don’t think before I speak I end up saying “um” a lot, which makes me sound less serious. Kids are so quick. They figure out our shortcomings sometimes faster than we can!
Well said… it’s tiring as a parent and difficult to discipline in front of others sometimes. But it’s so important to be consistent no matter what the circumstance. Our kids are so good at knowing when/where they can have it over us.
Thanks so much for sharing and for the reminder that all of our “last warnings” are not actually helping our children. Acting immediately is the best for all! 🙂 🙂
I agree, it is difficult to discipline in front of others because we may be weary of judgement. However, I bet if we asked onlookers most of the time we would have their full support.. Kids are so smart, I remember when my oldest daughter would act out in public a lot because she knew I let her get away with it sometimes. She figured out one of my weaknesses before I realized it was a problem. I had to start stepping it up in public and expecting her to be on her best behavior instead of going easy on her. Just like you said, I was’t helping her and needed to act for everyone’s benefit.
So true! Happens all the time! Following from the weekend blog walk! http://chaseandmore.blogspot.com
It can be hard to stick to your guns sometimes, but lucky for me I’m pretty stubborn.
My kids test the limits just like others, but I have to say they don’t do it often, because they know from experience if I say something along the lines of if you can’t behave, we’re leaving, I mean it.
Way to go Mom. Perfect example of how if you follow through, children have more respect.
Hi Janine,
This is so true, our children know when we mean business, if we mean business on a consistent basis. Thanks for sharing this truth.
New follower from the blog walk.
http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com/
Great post! And it is so hard not to do this. I remember my Dad saying “this hurts me more than you” when he would punish us. Never really believed that until I had my own children. Lol!
I am visiting from the Weekend Blog Walk. I really enjoyed reading your post and I look forward to exploring more of your blog. :o)
Hope you have a lovely weekend!
K from http://librarystorytimeabcs.blogspot.com
It is hard, but it gets easier each time you do it. Thanks for stopping by!
Uggg, so guilty of this. With my first two children, I was very consistent with discipline and they knew when I said something there would be follow through. With our third child, I have found myself doing the “I mean it this time,” that I never thought I would do. Partly because he is our last child and our baby, but now that he is 3 and acts up A LOT more than my older two ever did, I realize that it’s largely to do with my inconsistency. Great reminder that it doesn’t only inconvenience or annoy us, it confuses our children.
It is hard to be consistent especially when you have more than one and they are all acting up at the same time! I appreciate your honest and thoughtful comment.
Awesome and true!! I would like to feature this post tomorrow (tonight)on DeepRootsAtHome. Wish I had learned it earlier, and now I wish everyone knew it!!
Hi Jacqueline! That would be awesome. Thank you so much!
Linking over from Jackie’s blog. We are always training our children, aren’t we? (Intentionally or unintentionally).
hard to admit, but this has been me from time to time. it’s so frustrating because sometimes my momma heart overruns my preschool teacher brain. thanks for linking this up to tip-toe thru tuesday.
I agree. It is harder than it seems. Thanks Andie.
Hmmm, sounds familiar, unfortunately. A very good post, glad I stopped to read! It will help give me some backbone!
Hi Paula, Glad you stopped by. It happens to the best of us! I hope it gave some encouragement.
I know precisely what you mean, and I know that I was a lot better with follow through when I first became a mom. I used to be able to just give my kids “the eye”, no words needed. Six kids later, I’m a bit more lax, but I find myself not being as uptight with my long list of rules and regulations either. I guess I have found my happy medium?
Oh my goodness! This is great. A great reminder of how important the follow through is! Thanks for sharing with us on “Strut Your Stuff Saturday!” We’ll see you next week! -The Sisters
So important and I think all moms can use a gentle reminder from time to time. Thanks so much for sharing at Mom On Timeout!
My little one is almost two, and I’ve already caught myself falling into this trap. Consistency is so hard!
(If you’re interested, I’d love you to link this up at my Teaching Time for Toddlers! http://philwife.blogspot.com/2012/06/teaching-time-for-toddlers-tuesdays-zoo.html)
I’m struggling with this constantly since my third was born…the older ones seem to sense when I’m distracted with the baby and won’t enforce following the rules. I’ve been really trying to be more consistent lately but its an uphill battle…glad to know I’m not alone!
Thankful to have found this post from HofH link party.
Melissa
I am the same way. When I am in the middle of doing something, like feeding the baby, it is really easy not to get up and just let things go. I’m right there with you. It is definitely a discipline! Thanks for stopping by.
Good point. Thanks for the reminder! I haven fallen prey to this same mistake lately because I’ve been so busy. The worst part is that I know my daughter is acting out just to get my attention. Today I will definitely remind myself that the “wolf” is always lurking around the corner and I therefore need to be attentive and consistent.
btw, found your blog through the “For the Kids Friday” linky party. Thanks for the post!
I agree. They seem to act out more when they are bored and want attention. Thanks for stopping by.
Hi, I’m a new reader. I completely agree…if we say something to a child, we must mean it!
So true! I am the worst at follow-through. I just get lazy. But I’m working on it, and this is a good reminder.
Consistency is so important! Thanks for the reminder.
You are SO right about this. If it comes out of your mouth we MUST enforce it… or, we are teaching our children to IGNORE our voices.
I don’t want to teach them that lesson!!!
Emily
http://www.weakandloved.com
Me neither! Thanks for stopping by Emily!
Such a great post and an important reminder!! Thank you for sharing at Sharing Saturday!!
Such a great topic to blog about! This is a great reminder to be consistent. Thank you for posting on Saturday Show and Tell. I hope you’ll be back this week.
-Mackenzie
http://www.cheeriosandlattes.com
I just found your blog through Monday Mingle and am already following you…you have a great blog and I’m enjoying reading your posta.This one is just great…
I hope we will be friends 🙂
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. We are friends!
Great post, I totally agree! I’m good about following through when I give concrete statements, but I find myself falling into the trap of being vague. When I’m vague there isn’t a black and white time to follow through. I’m working on this! Thanks for linking up to The Sunday Showcase.
Thanks for linking this great post to the Say G’day Linky Party. I have shared this post on Google+ and have pinned it too! I so agree with you – kids need consistency!
Best wishes and hope you can join in again this weekend.
Natasha in Oz
This is a really good post with an excellent message. I’m pinning to our Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board. Thanks
I featured your post on the Sunday Parenting PArty this week. Please grab a “Sunday Parenting Party, I was featured” button from my button page if you’d like one.
Such an important point. Consistency is so important or we will never gain our children’s trust or respect. I agree with MaryAnne, I like to count to three before saying anything, then I know what I say will be truthful and followed through on. Thanks so much for linking up to The Sunday Parenting Party.
Great reminder. We are training our kids to obey immediately or not. Some people count out loud and their kids know they can do whatever they want until mom says “5”
I agree. It’s something I grew up knowing from my own mother, who NEVER once “cried wolf”. She meant what she said and we KNEW it. Because of that, I do my best to mean what I say with my own kids.
Also, it causes you to THINK before you say the consequence. Pick your battles.
My mom reminds me of the time I wanted to take a toy to church and she said no. It was a day I decided to throw a fit about it. She never backed down and ended up staying home with me because of my attitude. She has told me she wished she had just said yes the first time, but if she backed down after saying no, it would give me the wrong idea that I have some pull, and she doesn’t mean business. 😉
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