6 Reasons Your Children Don’t Obey You!

1. You don’t expect them to

Your kids act how you expect them to act. If your child repeatedly doesn’t listen or doesn’t do what you ask of him, chances are you’ve trained him that way.

Too many of us approach discipline flippantly and treat obedience from our children as optional. Ignoring direct disobedience can make a child vulnerable to an ongoing spirit of rebellion. So set the bar high!

2. You’ve Taught Them To Respond Only When You Yell

For the sake of convenience, we tend to overlook what we consider small things and don’t deal with them right away. Eventually however, those “minor offenses” escalate until we have a much bigger problem. Then we’re more likely to explode in anger, because we feel the issue has grown beyond our control.

You can accomplish what is needed in a serious tone, without yelling. Reserve a sharper tone when immediate obedience is mandatory (such as “STOP! Don’t cross the road, there’s a car coming!!!”).

Speak quietly or lower your voice and get down to your child’s level, to get their attention. Look him or her in the eye with a serious look on your face. Maintain eye contact and let them know you mean business.

3. You Don’t Follow Through With Consequences

When we shield our kids from the consequences of their actions we’re not doing them (or us) any favors. Sparing them the pain of discipline teaches them not to obey. Then they end up calling the shots in our homes, which leads to them feeling insecure and being resented by us.

Firmly say no, and don’t leave room for any doubt by wavering, not answering, or cracking a smile. Stick to your guns when you issue a consequence, even though they may throw a gymnastics fit on you! Don’t let them plead over and over again, either (this begins young – be patient, but as they grow older, don’t go down that road or they’ll wear you out).

4. You’re Inconsistent With Discipline

If you only address your child’s negative behavior 60% of the time then you will have a child who disobeys more than 60% of the time! Why? Because your child is counting on you to be lazy this one time.

When you say no for one particular thing, always say no for that thing. Don’t be wishy-washy because that confuses kids and makes them think that you don’t really mean no. Using a different consequence every single day for the same behavior is also not a good idea. Consistency takes effort, but the rewards definitely pay off!

5. You Aren’t Submissive To Your Husband

Yes, I used the “s” word! But it’s not as dirty as it sounds. Submission literally means to “arrange yourself under”.

If you constantly question your husband’s statements or suggestions, or point out what he does wrong in front of your kids, it sets a bad example. Your children are learning that you don’t listen to their father, so why would they have to listen to you?

6. You Don’t Believe In Your God-given Authority

In our modern culture, we’ve been told that authoritative equals mean. Most of us don’t even want to sound like we’re giving our children an order because, empowerment. So we end up using phrases that start with “Would you…” or “Can you please…” and then tack on “okay?” to the end. These are not commands that imply prompt action however; these are merely suggestions. And our kids treat them as such.

But you’re not trying to win friends- you’re trying to grow mature, godly, confident adults.

Chip Ingram says, “if your kids don’t learn to obey your voice – the person they can see – then how will they learn to obey their heavenly Father – whom they cannot see?” You embody the security and limits that ultimately come from submitting to a loving heavenly Father. If we have a healthy respect for God and the authority He has given us as parents, our kids will enjoy a strong sense of security and purpose in daily life.

Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not lost heart.” It’s rarely convenient to address negative behavior, but here’s a parenting secret: the more diligent and consistent you are, the less tantrums, meltdowns and disobedience you’ll see. The stakes are so high here, and we must be willing to dig our heels in and do the hard work of parenting.

What attitudes or beliefs do you struggle with most when it comes to expecting obedience from your kids?

Check out 30 More Ways to Be a Better Parent

Marisa Boonstra is a homeschooling mom of two and author of Bucking The System: Reclaiming Our Children’s Minds For Christ, published in January 2016. She writes to encourage women to find purpose and joy in their God-given calling as mothers, helping them raise children with a biblical worldview. She relies on Jesus and coffee to get her through the day, and loves marveling at the cultural differences between New Jersey where she grew up and Oklahoma where her family has been transplanted! You can find more of her writings over at calledtomothering.com.

The post 6 Reasons Why Your Children Don’t Obey You first appeared on True Aim.

A while back, in a set of unusual circumstances, my eight-year-old daughter gave me her parenting tips. It was interesting to see life from her perspective and to have some honest feedback on what she thinks is going well and what she would like to see more of.

Parenting Tips From a Child’s Perspective

First on her list was to keep calm. Yes, this can be very difficult, especially on trying days when nothing seems to be going right. However, it is great advice. Take a deep breath, hold it, and breath out slowly. And repeat. Remind yourself that you want to set a good example of how you want your children to act and react. It can be hard, but things always have a much better outcome when you are calm, when the oxygen reaches your brain, and you can think clearly.

Be supportive. Being a child and not feeling that you have the support of your parents puts you in a lonely and uncertain place. If parents aren’t supportive children may feel that they can do no right, and that sets them up for a lifetime of insecurity. Raising a child who is confident starts at home. Of course, you may not support everything they want to do, but choose your guiding words carefully and don’t put up barriers to stop their personal growth.

Give children the freedom of responsibilities. My daughter says that parents do not have to do it all. Give your children age-appropriate chores to do. My daughter recommends sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, and helping in the kitchen. Having children help in the kitchen can take more time and create a bigger mess to clean up, but in the long run it will teach them life skills. Working together to prepare meals also gives you the opportunity to chat and connect, which is important for both of you.

Parenting Tip: You Don’t Have To Do Everything

Finally, she says that parents do not have to do everything. Don’t let life and homeschooling overwhelm you. I know we all try to do our best in every area of life and child-raising, but today, more than ever, this is a near-impossible task for many parents with the multiple hats we wear daily. Working, side-hustles, extra-curricular activities, house work, home education, and other responsibilities, it hardly leaves time to breathe. Try not to stress about everything, pick a different area each day to focus on.

Get help if you are able (including from your significant other and your children). Don’t spread yourself too thin; reduce commitments whenever possible. I find that because home educators are home all day, people tend to think we’re sitting around bored and should have the perfect house and plenty of free time, which is totally not the case. Don’t fall into that trap; put your family first and say no to anything that you need to.

Parenting is a tough business, with long hours and no pay (in fact, we pay a lot for the privilege), and it’s most often a thankless task. But it is the most important job on earth; to raise happy, healthy, and confident children into adulthood. Focus on the positive, work on the negative, and learn as you go along, asking your children for their thoughts, too.

I challenge you to ask your children for their parenting tips and to share them in the comments so we can all learn together.

Check out 30 More Tips to be a Better Parent!

Crystal McClean is a Canadian homeschooling her family in Northern Ireland. Her family loves to learn about culture and they find it fun to do this by reading books, creating activities and recipes as well as attending cultural events when they can. When she isn’t home with her family she’ll be at the writing letters at library, taking photos at the local camera club, or counting wildlife along the loughshore with friends. You can learn more about their adventures at Castle View Academy or follow along via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and YouTube.

The post Parenting Tips from a Child’s Perspective first appeared on True Aim.

I thought that in the last five or so years, I’ve been making progress. And that my relationship with my mother has been improving.

Last spring, she was finally able to get a tourist visa, and my husband and I paid for her to come visit us for 10 days.

During the first 5 days of her visit, she put me through such an emotional roller-coaster that my husband insisted we send her back to Russia as soon as possible (and regardless of how expensive it was to exchange her ticket).

Those five days were enough to bring all of the bad stuff in our relationship to the surface with a vengeance. It’s been a year now, and I have barely written to my mother (and have not spoken to her at all).

5 Ways to Avoid Toxic Motherhood 

If you don’t want to find yourself in this kind of predicament as a mother, then make sure you don’t have these toxic qualities that have ruined my relationship with my mom.

1. Calling Your Kids Names

I remember many of the names my mother called me during the first 18 years of my life (before I left home to move to the United States). Some of the names were more hurtful than others; some were variations of Russian swear words that I would not be able to translate to English even if I wanted.

Each name called is like a brand, seared into my soul. Each name called glaring at me in the mirror… unshakable, reinforced by repetition.

Some name-calling is obvious—swear words, demeaning or degrading terms; but some name-calling is relatively mild and can easily slip off our tongues.

You might not flat-out call your kid “stupid,” but saying something like “What were you thinking?” in an accusing tone of voice might send the same message to your child.

Dear mother reading this, if you ever call your kid(s) names, please resolve right now to STOP this toxic habit!!!

2. Comparing with other kids

My mother often complained how so-and-so’s kid was so much better than me at school or sports or even at cleaning the house.

I don’t know if she thought it was some kind of weird motivation to get me to do better at those things… Maybe in a way, it even did.

I’m definitely an overachiever and very competitive. I ended up graduating from high school as a valedictorian and graduating from law school in the top 10% of my class.

However, I believe there are other more positive ways to cultivate the love of learning and pursuit of excellence in your kids that are not going to give your children unhealthy habits or make them resent you.

If you like to compare your kid(s) to other children who are better at doing something, please STOP this toxic habit!!!

3. Unfair with chores

I am all for teaching kids to help with various chores, but it has to be fair.

My mother would often expect me to clean the house. I usually did try to do my best. But she would inevitably come back to check my work after I was done and find something to complain about.

One day it might be that I did not wipe the tops of the baseboards… another day it might be that I did not dust the tops of the kitchen cabinets. Without asking me beforehand to do those things, I felt it was unfair to blame me for not doing them (after I generally did a decent job cleaning the house).

Another thing is that my mother loved parties. So, my parents would often have parties at our apartment. Unfortunately for me, those parties usually involved a lot of drinking, a huge mess in the kitchen, and all of the adults going to bed drunk without cleaning up.

In the mornings, my mother would get up hung-over and beyond cranky and yell at me for not cleaning up their party mess in the kitchen. I always felt that it was so unfair to be expected to clean up after their drunken parties.

If you’re unfair with your kids’ chores (expectations beyond kids’ age, arbitrary and changing standards), please stop and set the expectations and work together as a team to avoid breeding resentment.

4. Be a Better Mother – Avoid Projecting

As mothers, I think many of us get caught up thinking that our kids are a direct reflection of how good of parents we are.

When and where I grew up, the parent-teacher conferences were done in a public forum. Even though I was an A-student most of the time, my mother would always come home from these parent-teacher conferences unhappy. Her main complaint usually would be how embarrassed *she* was about something that the teacher mentioned about me.

It even got worse. After I graduated high school as a valedictorian, I applied to the Moscow State University. It was a weird deal in Russia that you could only apply to one university and only for a fall semester admission. The system was also very corrupt.

I’m smart, but I’m no genius. And unless you knew who to bribe, you had to be a genius to get admitted to a university the caliber of the Moscow State University. And so, I failed the admissions.

Picture from http://www.themoscowtimes.com

At the time, my dreams were crushed (and my ego too). We were in Moscow still when the rejection was made. We were staying with my great aunt. My mom had a fit. She was upset and yelling at me. She called me names, but the worst thing that stuck in my mind all these years was her saying: “How could I go back home and look people in the eye?”

Instead of recognizing my distress, instead of comforting my crushed spirit, she was concerned with her image. I did not get admitted to the Moscow State University, but it was her dreams and her ego that were really crushed that day.

Dear mama, please don’t base your dreams and your ego on your children’s accomplishments. Don’t worry about what people might think or say about you as a mother. Focus on supporting your children and comforting them when things don’t go their way. Show them you love them NO. MATTER. WHAT.

5. Guilt-Tripping

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips! I know this is supposed to make you chuckle, but guilt-tripping is so toxic. And at times, I think all of us have been guilty of doing it to our loved ones.

My mother did a lot for me and sacrificed a lot; I have no doubt about that. But she would always love to remind me just how much she sacrificed, while trying to get me to do something. She loved, still loves, playing a martyr to get what she wants.

And that is the crux of guilt-tripping, making people you love feel guilty in order to get them to do something for you. Basically, it’s a form of psychological manipulation.

One of the worst examples of her guilt-tripping was a few years after I left Russia for the United States. My family has always been poor, so I would send them whatever money I could when they asked.

Often, these money requests came with some kind of a guilt-trip from my mother. She just loved painting pictures of horrible diseases and death to get me to send them money. One time, she wrote to me that my dad was ready to go dumpster-diving if I did not send the money. This was the worst image to me for some reason (more so than diseases and deaths).

In reality, all she had to do was ask. Not just for money, for anything else in my life that she got from me through guilt-tripping.

Dear mamas, your children most likely would be willing to do whatever you ask for without you having to guilt-trip them. If you get what you want by guilt-tripping, they will resent you in the end for it.

It’s hard to be a Better Mother

Since I grew up with all of these toxic behaviors, unfortunately, they are such familiar patters for me. So I have to work twice as hard to shake them off and not to repeat them as I mother my own children.

Are there other toxic behaviors that are threatening your motherhood? Leave a comment so we can brainstorm ways of how to overcome them.

Tatyana Gray is a homeschooling mother of two. She has walked away from a career as a lawyer to be a full-time wife and mother and has never looked back. She now writes about family, motherhood, and home education at her blog, TatyanaGray.com.

Check out 30 More Ways to be a Better Parent!

The post Be a Better Mother – 5 Ways to Avoid Toxic Motherhood first appeared on True Aim.

I went to a parenting class for the first time after my 5th child was born. At first it was just a productive thing to do where I could get away from the kids. It turned into my favorite tool to get focused on what really matters and how to maintain that perspective when dealing with my children throughout the week.

The most helpful was hearing other parents talk about their struggles. Wow! I was going through the exact same things. 

You aren’t alone in this parenting journey. Most of us are having the same experiences, good and bad. Stay the course. Fight the good fight. 

30+ Ways to be a Better Parent

Here are some amazing 5-minute parenting tips to help you in your journey and remained focused on what really matters! Come back each week for new ideas to be published!

3 Things Royal Families Can Teach Us About Parenting

5 Ways to Avoid Toxic Motherhood

Parenting Tips From a Child’s Perspective

When Parents Expect too Much from Their Kids

6 Tips for Parenting Christian Kids

6 Reasons Your Children Don’t Obey You

5 Keys to Being a Wise Dad

5 Ways to Inspire Creativity in Your Kids

5 Tips for the Overwhelmed Mom

10 Politically Incorrect Parenting Books

Do you have any quick tips for parents that you’d like to share? Please leave a comment!

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The post 30+ Ways to be a Better Parent – 5-Minute Parenting Tips first appeared on True Aim.

Lehigh University Responds to Scandal

This post contains affiliate links. For more info, please read my full disclosure.

While most of us wouldn’t think of doing something so unethical (even if we had the means), their stories should cause us to pause and question what we value most.

What Are We Trying to Achieve?

You and I probably agree that integrity is one of the most important things our children can possess—and yet it’s so easy to spend most of our time focused on things that don’t really matter. In order to make what matters most the center of our children’s educations, we need to fully grasp the value and practicality of getting our priorities right.

It’s hard to know what those wealthy parents were thinking when they decided to bribe their children’s way into prestigious schools, but they do have something in common with parents the world over: a tendency to measure their success as parents by their children’s measurable achievements.

Lori Loughlin among 16 parents indicted with additional charges

How do we measure success in education?

Many Chinese parents would seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. After all, their kids may spend their high school years studying for 17 hours a day. In extreme cases, near exam time, some students will get nourishment from an IV in the classroom—so the students don’t have to stop studying to eat.

While competition might seem healthy—and I would argue it is in economics—measuring our value, and that of our children, by how we compare to others is a dangerous game. We risk making the things that matter least the focal point of our children’s education.

For years we may spend hours a day drilling our children to prepare them to get the perfect score on a college entrance exam. What message are we sending? What matters most? Getting the perfect score? Getting into the right school? Getting the right job? We may successfully train them to compete— and to do well by some measures. But when we do that we’re shortchanging them in the long run. Because life isn’t a competition. You can try to make it into one, but is that the future you want for your child?

What really matters in education?

Rather than helping our kids “win” at life, we need to help them learn to recognize what matters most— and make it the central focus during the years they spend with us.

In her book, Consider This, Karen Glass makes an argument that an educated child should have three things: 1) a humble spirit, 2) a good character and 3) a love for learning.

I can simplify it even more: character is all that really matters.

When our kids know that they don’t know it all, they will be teachable. Once they develop integrity, they will also have the grit to do a job well. When they know they are treasured by their creator, they will want to learn more about His world.

Where can we look for educational guidance?

Character is not only difficult to measure— it can also feel elusive to impart to our children. We can teach them all the right things and end up trapped in a legalistic model with an arrogant child. And yet it’s easy to tell when a child is grasping something deep and meaningful. It rarely happens when filling out worksheet pages. It will likely be sparked by an observation made when we’re going through life with our kids at our sides.

In a world where the things that matter least tend to get the most attention, we can turn to the Bible for guidance. In the book of Luke, Jesus is quoted as saying, “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.” (NKJV)

We live in a world where competition is fierce, but we can trust our God to give us everything needed!

The Secret to Building Our Children’s Character

So how do you make sure genuine character growth is at the heart of your child’s education? Every child and parent will have their share of challenges. I use those opportunities to take my child’s “spiritual temperature.” I know I can’t teach my children everything they should know. Instead, my goal is to teach them to love learning and love people. Sometimes a child needs to develop the discipline to sit down and work through a lesson. At other times a child may need to be challenged to think about others. The right story might help her see the world in a new way.

Most importantly, your children will learn by watching you do life in your own imperfect way. Character may be difficult to measure and challenging to teach, but your kids will recognize it when they see it in you.

Teri Capshaw is an author, developmental editor, former journalist, and homeschooling mom on a mission to help families thrive in an overstressed world. In her book Dying to Win she takes a big-picture look at factors pushing students too hard—and provides parents with practical strategies to ignite and inspire their children’s love of learning.

Get 15+ Tips on Building Character in Your Children!

The post What the College Scandals can teach us about building our Children’s Character first appeared on True Aim.

Too often was I running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Enough was enough. Out of necessity I came up with a few tricks to help me organize my day and help me spend more quality time with my kids.

10 Parenting Hacks for Busy Moms

There’s no time like the present to get more organized and break that cycle of chaos that busy moms often find themselves. Try these simple strategies out and you won’t feel like setting your hair on fire at the end of the day.

Meal Planning

1. The Easiest Meal Plan Ever!!

Say goodbye to meal planning and hello to the meal plan list. Make a list of 30 things your family loves to eat for dinner, 15 things for lunch, and 15 things for breakfast. Whenever you go to the grocery store, quickly pick out 5 things from the list for dinner, 5 things for lunch, and 5 things for breakfast. That means you’ll have left overs 2 nights a week and you’ll have the same thing for lunch and breakfast a couple days a week.  In seconds your grocery list and meal plan are done!

2. Rotisserie Chickens

You can easily create 4-5 meals from just one rotisserie chicken. At around $5 a chicken, that is a big money and time saver! Make some freezer meals to save even more time.

3. Quick Wholesome Snacks

Have whole grain snacks handy to keep the kids at bay before dinner time and to give you a boost during the day. Try Honey Maid Go Bites made with real honey, no high fructose corn syrup and has 5 grams of protein and 7 grams of whole grains per serving. It will keep you from reaching for something you’ll regret eating later.

4. Make Grocery Day Meal Prep Day

There are lots of things you can prep ahead of time to get ready for meals during the week. When you get home from the grocery store, just add one extra step before putting things away. Chop and Parboil veggies so their ready for stir fry, soup, or any other recipe by boiling until almost tender then rinse in an ice bath. Measure out spices and dry ingredients and store in plastic bags or containers. Marinate meat for the next days dinner, or put together some slow cooker meals in plastic bags, freeze and when you’re ready to cook, just dump it in the crock pot and press on.

Time Management

5. A Trick for To Do Lists

Maybe you don’t like daily planners, but they are key to having an organized day and home. You at least need a to do list that is prioritized by A, B, and C. A is for things that need to be done that day. B, is for things that you would like to get done, and C is for those things that are extra work, or can be done in a couple days, but maybe you can get 1 of them done early to save even more time later.

6. A Trick for Routines

Don’t have a routine? You need one! Knowing what you’re going to do at what time really helps you conquer your to do list faster and it give the kids a feeling of stability and structure. When your children know what to expect each day, they won’t struggle with transitions or any responsibilities they have. My tip for routines is to set a wake up time for everyone in the house and try to keep it within 30 minutes. Your wake up time should be 15-30 minutes before the kids so you don’t feel like you’re rushing to get ready.

7. Bed Time

Make keeping bed time an easy decision for kids to make by allowing them to stay up later and read if they have cleaned up their room and are in their bed on time.

8. I’m Bored Activities

Keep kids occupied by having special activity ideas on cards or sticks that children can draw from to get ideas on what they should do if they are bored or when you need time to yourself. You can also keep busy bags filled with a small collection of themed toys or a quiet activity for younger children. These can be as simple as dollar store coloring books or there are TONs of ideas on Pinterest.

Set a timer and tell your children they get a small snack like Honey Maid Go Bites, if they are quiet and don’t bother you until the timer goes off.

On the Go

9. Peaceful Car Rides

Gone are the days of yelling and fighting in the car. Make travel binders or notebooks that children can work on while riding or put some special books by their seat to keep them busy while riding around. If your children do well, reward them with praise or a special privilege (10 minutes more to stay up at night for example). If they aren’t being good, have 3 special hand signs you’ve gone over ahead of time so you don’t have to yell.  2 warnings and then if the final hand sign goes up, have a consequence that fits the bad behavior (time out with mom when they get to the destination, going to bed early, no snack).

10. The Go Bag

No, I’m not talking about prepping for an emergency, I’m talking about a bag that is ready for when you need to go somewhere right away. You’ll want to keep a bag filled with wholesome snacks, like Honey Maid Go Bites, a water bottle, warm clothing or sunscreen (depending on the season), extra cash, and a small first aid kit. This can be kept in the car, front entry way closet or mud room.

You’re busy, but no matter how fast things change and how many things you need to get done, you don’t need to feel frazzled doing it all. I hope these tips will help save you time and give you more freedom to spend more wholesome, quality time with your family.

No matter how things change, what makes us wholesome never will. Honey Maid: everyday wholesome snacks for every wholesome family. This is Wholesome.

Compensation was provided by Mondelez via Mode Media. The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not indicative of the opinions or positions of Mondelez.

The post 10 Life Hacks for Busy Moms first appeared on True Aim.