I thought that in the last five or so years, I’ve been making progress. And that my relationship with my mother has been improving.

Last spring, she was finally able to get a tourist visa, and my husband and I paid for her to come visit us for 10 days.

During the first 5 days of her visit, she put me through such an emotional roller-coaster that my husband insisted we send her back to Russia as soon as possible (and regardless of how expensive it was to exchange her ticket).

Those five days were enough to bring all of the bad stuff in our relationship to the surface with a vengeance. It’s been a year now, and I have barely written to my mother (and have not spoken to her at all).

5 Ways to Avoid Toxic Motherhood 

If you don’t want to find yourself in this kind of predicament as a mother, then make sure you don’t have these toxic qualities that have ruined my relationship with my mom.

1. Calling Your Kids Names

I remember many of the names my mother called me during the first 18 years of my life (before I left home to move to the United States). Some of the names were more hurtful than others; some were variations of Russian swear words that I would not be able to translate to English even if I wanted.

Each name called is like a brand, seared into my soul. Each name called glaring at me in the mirror… unshakable, reinforced by repetition.

Some name-calling is obvious—swear words, demeaning or degrading terms; but some name-calling is relatively mild and can easily slip off our tongues.

You might not flat-out call your kid “stupid,” but saying something like “What were you thinking?” in an accusing tone of voice might send the same message to your child.

Dear mother reading this, if you ever call your kid(s) names, please resolve right now to STOP this toxic habit!!!

2. Comparing with other kids

My mother often complained how so-and-so’s kid was so much better than me at school or sports or even at cleaning the house.

I don’t know if she thought it was some kind of weird motivation to get me to do better at those things… Maybe in a way, it even did.

I’m definitely an overachiever and very competitive. I ended up graduating from high school as a valedictorian and graduating from law school in the top 10% of my class.

However, I believe there are other more positive ways to cultivate the love of learning and pursuit of excellence in your kids that are not going to give your children unhealthy habits or make them resent you.

If you like to compare your kid(s) to other children who are better at doing something, please STOP this toxic habit!!!

3. Unfair with chores

I am all for teaching kids to help with various chores, but it has to be fair.

My mother would often expect me to clean the house. I usually did try to do my best. But she would inevitably come back to check my work after I was done and find something to complain about.

One day it might be that I did not wipe the tops of the baseboards… another day it might be that I did not dust the tops of the kitchen cabinets. Without asking me beforehand to do those things, I felt it was unfair to blame me for not doing them (after I generally did a decent job cleaning the house).

Another thing is that my mother loved parties. So, my parents would often have parties at our apartment. Unfortunately for me, those parties usually involved a lot of drinking, a huge mess in the kitchen, and all of the adults going to bed drunk without cleaning up.

In the mornings, my mother would get up hung-over and beyond cranky and yell at me for not cleaning up their party mess in the kitchen. I always felt that it was so unfair to be expected to clean up after their drunken parties.

If you’re unfair with your kids’ chores (expectations beyond kids’ age, arbitrary and changing standards), please stop and set the expectations and work together as a team to avoid breeding resentment.

4. Be a Better Mother – Avoid Projecting

As mothers, I think many of us get caught up thinking that our kids are a direct reflection of how good of parents we are.

When and where I grew up, the parent-teacher conferences were done in a public forum. Even though I was an A-student most of the time, my mother would always come home from these parent-teacher conferences unhappy. Her main complaint usually would be how embarrassed *she* was about something that the teacher mentioned about me.

It even got worse. After I graduated high school as a valedictorian, I applied to the Moscow State University. It was a weird deal in Russia that you could only apply to one university and only for a fall semester admission. The system was also very corrupt.

I’m smart, but I’m no genius. And unless you knew who to bribe, you had to be a genius to get admitted to a university the caliber of the Moscow State University. And so, I failed the admissions.

Picture from http://www.themoscowtimes.com

At the time, my dreams were crushed (and my ego too). We were in Moscow still when the rejection was made. We were staying with my great aunt. My mom had a fit. She was upset and yelling at me. She called me names, but the worst thing that stuck in my mind all these years was her saying: “How could I go back home and look people in the eye?”

Instead of recognizing my distress, instead of comforting my crushed spirit, she was concerned with her image. I did not get admitted to the Moscow State University, but it was her dreams and her ego that were really crushed that day.

Dear mama, please don’t base your dreams and your ego on your children’s accomplishments. Don’t worry about what people might think or say about you as a mother. Focus on supporting your children and comforting them when things don’t go their way. Show them you love them NO. MATTER. WHAT.

5. Guilt-Tripping

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips! I know this is supposed to make you chuckle, but guilt-tripping is so toxic. And at times, I think all of us have been guilty of doing it to our loved ones.

My mother did a lot for me and sacrificed a lot; I have no doubt about that. But she would always love to remind me just how much she sacrificed, while trying to get me to do something. She loved, still loves, playing a martyr to get what she wants.

And that is the crux of guilt-tripping, making people you love feel guilty in order to get them to do something for you. Basically, it’s a form of psychological manipulation.

One of the worst examples of her guilt-tripping was a few years after I left Russia for the United States. My family has always been poor, so I would send them whatever money I could when they asked.

Often, these money requests came with some kind of a guilt-trip from my mother. She just loved painting pictures of horrible diseases and death to get me to send them money. One time, she wrote to me that my dad was ready to go dumpster-diving if I did not send the money. This was the worst image to me for some reason (more so than diseases and deaths).

In reality, all she had to do was ask. Not just for money, for anything else in my life that she got from me through guilt-tripping.

Dear mamas, your children most likely would be willing to do whatever you ask for without you having to guilt-trip them. If you get what you want by guilt-tripping, they will resent you in the end for it.

It’s hard to be a Better Mother

Since I grew up with all of these toxic behaviors, unfortunately, they are such familiar patters for me. So I have to work twice as hard to shake them off and not to repeat them as I mother my own children.

Are there other toxic behaviors that are threatening your motherhood? Leave a comment so we can brainstorm ways of how to overcome them.

Tatyana Gray is a homeschooling mother of two. She has walked away from a career as a lawyer to be a full-time wife and mother and has never looked back. She now writes about family, motherhood, and home education at her blog, TatyanaGray.com.

Check out 30 More Ways to be a Better Parent!

The post Be a Better Mother – 5 Ways to Avoid Toxic Motherhood first appeared on True Aim.

And, while the royal families did vary in their parenting approaches, there are three things that all royal families believed set them apart from other families.

3 Things Royal Families Can Teach Us About Parenting

1. Loyalty

When your enemies are plotting against you, no matter what you hear, it’s better to be loyal. Royal families were used to gossip and slander. Family members who believed the gossip about other family members and sided with outsiders against their kin, always brought heartache, like with Absalom and King David or Edward the II of England.

Loyalty is what holds families together. The minute you break it, vulnerability and weakness creep in and it is almost impossible to repair. How can we use this lesson to be a better parent? We can cultivate a strong bond between siblings, support our spouse in discipline and always be weary of saying negative things to outsiders about our family.

2. Tradition

Instead of being something that changes with the culture, tradition is foundational to Royal families. Tradition connects the past and the future. They set families apart from the rest. They create memories that last.

These aren’t just fun things you do during the holidays. This is something useful that your family does to preserve itself and show respect. For example, in British tradition, when the Queen stands, everyone stands. What kinds of traditions have you created in your family?

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_royal_family.JPG

3. What Royal Families Can Teach Us About Parenting: Etiquette

Royal families don’t just practice good etiquette; in many cases, their families created the rules. They understand, that Manners set you apart because they are meant to convey respect for others and yourself.

Teach your child etiquette so that they know how to conduct themselves in a way that shows both empathy and confidence, so that they don’t feel awkward and out of place in social situations. The rules of etiquette will help them know the right thing to do and say in public, so they stand out for the right reasons.

Have you learned any parenting tips from a royal family? We’d love to hear about it!

Check out more 5-minute Parenting Tips

The post 3 Things Royal Families Can Teach Us About Parenting! first appeared on True Aim.

How to Build Character During a Difficult Time

Sometimes life events prove difficult for adults and must also be shared with our children; the way in which we do that can impact our children’s understanding and reactions. Tragedy or illness, particularly the declining or uncertain health of a loved one, is something that is an almost inevitable part of life, and can be difficult for children to comprehend.

When a family member or close friend becomes seriously ill, it is always a topic that needs to be thought through about whether to tell our children or not. Each family and situation is different, and the developmental stage of the children must also be taken into consideration. We don’t want our children to worry, but they are clever and will always know when we’re stressed. I believe it’s important to involve our children in a truthful and developmentally-appropriate way.

We want to protect our children from worry, but if the outcome isn’t as we’d hoped we cannot protect them from sorrow and pain. By telling our children someone they love is ill, we can help prepare them to come to terms with an undesirable outcome rather than it to be a colossal shock out of the blue. They will have time to think about what they’re feeling and ask questions. Don’t quash those queries from youngsters. They may catch you off guard, and if that happens, ask them to give you a few minutes to think of the best way to explain, and then do so. Creating a veil of secrecy and cover-ups does not set a good example and only helps to harbour the mystery surrounding life and death.

Building Support Systems

Children can be great support in times of stress, and we can teach them how to comfort others in ways that work for them. My son always knows just when I need a hug and will come running into the room unexpectedly and give me a big bear hug, which always puts a smile on my face. A kind hand on an arm, a smile, or even a wink can lift a person’s spirits.

Brainstorm with your children to come up with other ways in which they help both the person who is ill, as well as those around them. Often putting energy into being productive can help everyone feel a little better. What skills do they have that can be used in this situation? Can they help clean, run some errands, help cook meals, read a story, draw a picture, sing, say a prayer? Let your child come up with their own ideas, too, so they feel part of the process.

Building Character Through Honesty and Education

If it’s appropriate, help your children learn about what is happening, and what the doctors are doing to try to remedy the illness. If it’s trouble with the heart, then set up a biology class where they can learn about how the heart works and what has gone wrong with it. What will medications or surgery do? Involving children like this can help them feel more knowledgeable and less powerless. Perhaps this will be the event that sparks the determination to become a future doctor or scientist.

Hopefully everything will be okay and everyone can rejoice; that is always the desired outcome for any illness or tragedy. However, death is a part of life, and life’s only certainty. It isn’t something that anyone looks forward to, but the ways in which we teach our children to come to terms with it can help them now, as well as in the future.

How have you involved your children in difficult times? Share your experience in the comments and we can learn together.

View the full character building series here!

About the Author

Crystal McClean is a Canadian homeschooling her family in Northern Ireland. Her family loves to learn about culture and they find it fun to do this by reading books, creating activities and recipes as well as attending cultural events when they can. When she isn’t home with her family she’ll be at the writing letters at library, taking photos at the local camera club, or counting wildlife along the loughshore with friends. You can learn more about their adventures at Castle View Academy or follow along via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and YouTube.

The post How to Build Character in Kids During a Difficult Time first appeared on True Aim.

Then I became a mom…at the young age of 19. Each day my baby boy made a new face or cute noise I’d never heard. I found myself actually trying to slow down time. I wanted my baby boy to grow up slowly so that I could ensure that I took it all in.

My baby boy is now 13 years old and in his final middle school year. My daughter is 11 and in her first middle school year. I never was able to slow down time, it didn’t work for either of my children no matter how hard I tried. So, now I’m faced with the reality of having two children in middle school, which means they are over halfway grown up! In less than half the time I’ve held them in my arms they’ll be adults, ready to be out on their own. Just like I used to be what seems to have been so very long ago.

Being the mother of two middle schoolers is not always easy. In fact, this may be the most difficult part of my motherhood journey yet. No longer are they in need of my help to complete most tasks, make meals or even do their school. Yet, I’m still their mother.

Each new stage of motherhood requires mothers to find their new role as a parent. A mother of middle schoolers takes some of the biggest steps required of a mom.

• Learning to let go

Middle school aged kids are ready to spread their wings and fly. While we know they truly aren’t ready for life in the real world, we have to let them have a taste of it now and then. Try letting your kids grab a few groceries alone, attend a birthday party or sleepover without you sticking around or even walking downtown to grab a few candies or ice cream on their own.

• Let them make their own decisions

Sometimes our kids need to see what happens when they make their own decisions without our help or input. They need to understand there are consequences to bad decisions and we may be surprised to see blessings from good decisions they make. Consider allowing your kids to decide what to do with their allowance, whether or not to attend a friend’s party or choose to stop an activity they previously enjoyed.

• Explain the why

It isn’t just good enough to say “Because I said so” anymore. Middle schoolers need to have an explanation as to why they can or cannot do something. When we don’t give them a specific answer we’re creating a divide between us and it could cause them to hide activities or thoughts from us and breakdown our relationship.

• Deepen your conversations

After you explain the why or when you need to talk to your middle schooler heart to heart take the time to have a deeper conversation. Don’t just lay it all out for them and run off. We need to encourage our children to talk with us by asking how they feel, what they think and giving them the time and undivided attention they need to share their hears and minds with us. If we find ourselves not understand our kids its probably time to sit down and have a heart to heart chat.

• Teach by example

Our kids aren’t little anymore. We can’t live out, “Do what I say, not what I do” with middle schoolers. If we want our kids to do or not do something, we have to ensure that we are being a good example and doing (or not) doing what we’re telling them.

Middle school moms have to start taking steps that can hurt in more ways than we’re prepared for, but it is essential that we begin allowing our children to become the young man and young lade we’ve been raising them to be. We’ve spent years pouring our heart, soul and energy into raising them well, now it is time to watch them begin to fly!

What are your best tips for the motherhood journey through middle school?

The post 5 Tips for Middle School Moms first appeared on True Aim.

There really are no secrets to parenting well, in fact you can find all of the answers to your parenting questions in the Bible. Often we go looking for answers from famous authors, encouraging bloggers and best friends, but while they often have great ideas, they aren’t who we should be looking to for the answers to parenting well.

The most difficult times to parent well are the moments when you’re in the thick of parenting and you just need to know what God wants you to do in that moment. You don’t have time to pull out your Bible (though sometimes you should take the time!), but you want to know that what you’re about to do would be seen as parenting well.

Thankfully there are a few simple steps that we can follow to ensure that we parent well, even when we’re in the midst of a difficult parenting moment. If we would take time to memorize and remind ourselves of these steps often, we’ll find that our parenting struggles will be less frequent and stressful.

• Pray

Prayer can move mountains! Truly, if we would remember all of the miracles that have occurred in our lifetime and throughout history, we would know that prayer needs to be the first step we take to parent our children well. By taking a moment to pray silently (or with our children), we are teaching our children that though this moment is more than we can handle, we know who to go to when we need help and strength to carry on!

• Love

Our children need to know that no matter what is going on, that we love them. They need to understand that their behavior, attitude or choices do not change our love for them. We need to ensure that our love is exhibited in the midst of difficult, sorrow, joy and pain. It is especially important that in the midst of difficulty or disappointment that we speak the truth to our children in love.

• Discipline

Just as God disciplines us as parents and adults, we must discipline our children. It is essential that our children learn that there are consequences (or blessings!) based on our behavior. We cannot simply choose not to discipline our children because we are weary or tired of dealing with the same thing over and over again. Our children need to learn while in the safety and security of our home that making the same decision or choices repeatedly will not change the outcome.

I know that there are countless times in my day when I need to remember these 3 simple steps to parent my children well. All too often I over think things or just fail to address the issues in our days because I’m too tired or busy to parent well. It is my hope and prayer that by reminding you of these simple truths that I too will continue to make the decision to parent well.

How do you ensure that you are making the choice to parent your children well?

The post 3 Simple Steps to Parent Well first appeared on True Aim.

Then I remembered who was in the car with me and I quickly forgot about the rude motorist.

I blushed and sat quietly in the front seat, hoping my passenger hadn’t noticed. Then the squeaky voice of my sweet 3-year-old repeated from the back seat, “Shit!” She said it over and over again as I cringed. Then she asked, “What is shit?”

“Audrey,” I began, “I said shoot.” – because lying makes swearing okay, I guess. But Audrey didn’t take the bate, “No, Daddy you said shit.” Round and round the conversation went, until I finally snapped, “Shit is a bad word, and if you say that again, you are going to get in trouble!”

Thankfully, at three, she didn’t know what a hypocrite was. So she went on to really make me feel terrible, and apologized.

And I wish I could say that everything is perfect now.

I wish I could say that I am finally that Dad I once imagined I’d be. But life just goes by so fast; last week I was a punk kid in school and “Poof!” now I am a father of 4.

When I was little I watched a movie called Hook. The first bit of the movie was about a boy who really wanted his Dad to show up to his baseball game, but his dad always put work first.

What a jerk, right?!

Arnold plays a father trying to balance family and work, in Jingle All the Way.

That’s what I thought then, and was sure I would never be like that. Then I got a job, a really good, great paying job. The problem was, I found myself heading in early and coming home to sleeping kids. Nor were my days off sacred to the boss-man.

I remember times, when my kids hung on to my legs begging me to stay and play, but you couldn’t call in for that. And other times, my kids needed their father to come home and discipline them, but again, not a valid reason in corporate America.

Suddenly, I felt for those dads in movies like Hook and Jingle All the Way, and all the other dads who are made to feel like the bad guy for choosing to feed their kids over watching them play. Was the industrial revolution progress from the domestic farm? I wasn’t sure anymore.

Well eventually, enough was enough, I gave up a comfortable income and a dream job, to be with my family. I started a home business, and things are going great, except that I work twice as long for half the pay.

I had this vision of my kids playing quietly at my feet while I worked, so I put my office in the family room, but the kids don’t play quietly, and I constantly have to ask them to tone it down or leave the room, despite the fact that I wear earplugs. I’d move my office upstairs, but I don’t have the time.

Like that’s not frustrating enough, the other day my oldest daughter asked why I don’t play with her anymore. Now I am seriously considering moving to woods, but I can imagine that troubles will follow.

There has to be balance – I just wish the scale was easier to read.

Yet, in spite of my failures, it’s the little moments that count. I’m hoping that my grown children will look back on their childhood and remember all the happy times with their father, little moments that are like treasures in time, and I am praying that God will make the best of my bad parenting.

The post The Best of My Bad Parenting first appeared on True Aim.